As I stand at this point, I can look back and I can look forward. Like the giraffe that stands above the heads of others and can clearly see into the past and into the future.
The past I see clearly. The life I built, the family, the houses, the career. The hopes I had for my future then. How I dreamed that things would be settled and peaceful and that we would grow old together. But that was not to be.
You didn’t die, but in a way, what happened was worse. I lost you. You are gone. You are not the same person anymore. You have dissolved into, maybe what you always were. Angry. Withdrawn. Into your own thoughts and demons within. I’m not sure where you are now. Physically I know, but inwardly I wonder. I know it’s not a good place, but a place filled with anxiety, mania, depression, and loss. I know you are suffering.
There is nothing I would have done differently. I gave all I could, all I had. I tried and tried, believed in you, supported you, and served you in all the ways I could. It wasn’t enough. Never enough. And now you are gone…